Fooling myself.

I’m not. That’s pretty much the size of that.

Change isn’t effective if it’s only where others can see it. And sometimes something happens and you realize that you’re only hurting yourself by “faking it til you make it,” or pretending to be okay with the way things are because you’re waiting for them to be different, and are so certain that they will be.

But guess what? There is no certainty. There are no guarantees. The only difference I can ensure is the difference in myself. In my actions. And I can only hope that, if I make the changes all the way – stop seeking, stop hoping, and start living in the moment, that I will come to love this moment as much as the one I keep hidden as a prize in the back of my heart. Maybe I’ll even come to love it more, since it’s the one that is real, and really happening, and isn’t dependent on anyone or anything but me.

Kirsten

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2 Responses

  1. (((Kir))) The line that really got me is “that I will come to love this moment as much as the one I keep hidden as a prize in the back of my heart.” The fact that you do that breaks mine a little, because I want so much for you.

    • You’re sweet, Colin. I think I just need to change my perspective a little. My heart is waiting, and I can’t and wouldn’t change that. But it can wait more comfortably if I’m not focused on the fact that the time frame is entirely unknown, and simply accept it as my truth. That’s what I’m trying to do.

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