You know, as much as I usually want to give Iliena a swift kick that’ll send her flying across the room, sometimes she gets that tonight is not the night to fuck with me. And sometimes she even gets that maybe tonight would be a good night for her to be the cute, cuddly, soothing presence I need pet cats to be. So I am currently smooshed between Iliena and Xander, with Joshua behind me on the computer and books of the electronic and paper varieties in front of me.
Heres the thing. There were some complicating factors in my relationship with K. I’m not gonna get into it all because, quite frankly, it was a huge mess I wanted no part of, but I was involved in before I had enough information to make educated decisions. By the time I knew enough, it was too late. I did my best to adjust to accommodate the data I received as time continued, but I was riding a tide over which I had zero control. That tide has turned, and I have found myself entirely on the outside.
Don’t get me wrong – in many ways, I am hugely grateful not to be directly affected by the drama surrounding this situation. At the same time, all of that drama is the reason I don’t get the privilege of a “normal” breakup, where people give things back that were at each other’s places, make awkward small talk, and hope not to run into one another in social settings. I get to know that neither of us really wanted the other out of our lives, but that it had to happen. The struggle for me is, I don’t know what that means, because this isn’t my crazy party. Does this mean maybe later? Does this mean there’s too much stuff attached to us so this is left in the past for good? Does this mean my part in the mess makes me a bad person and so not someone worthy of reconnecting with in the future?
I don’t know. And I’m not allowed to find out. At least, that’s how it feels. And that sucks, y’all.
But you know what’s okay about it? I loved with my whole heart. I tried to do the right thing. I earned the love I received. And I know that this love still exists, and will always exist, regardless of whether it can be manifested in ways I can see or feel.
It’s not perfect. It’s not ideal. But it’s enough.